My Gardening ‘I Need’ List

In order for my gardening

to reach its

full potential,

I have decided

I need the following tools.

These items would be customized

to meet my specific needs.

*I need a super duper leaf sucker upper that

doesn’t get all bent out of shape if a few large

rocks, pieces of glass, or

other unidentifiable archaeological objects join in on the fun.

It needs to have a black bag attachment that

bags all of said objects

without me having to expend

any effort.

This would be a sort of Daisy Seal a Meal for the yard.

*I need a low rider type garden vehicle,

with a CD player and an ice chest,

that I can ride around in,

in my yard,

from problem area to problem area.

It needs to be low so I can reach down,

without stopping,

and grab whatever I need to grab,

with as little effort as possible.

The engineering for this

would be based on the same principal

as riding a polo pony,

even though I have never done so.

*I need a staff of robotic

yard machines that do everything I program them to do,

without giving me dirty looks,

running away and hiding,

or screening my calls.

*I need a giant sprinkler system,

in the trees,

so when I turn it on,

it rains on the entire yard.

I mean , after all,

let’s get this show on the road.

*I need a means of

discouraging cutter ants from

stripping my roses

so severe,

so horrific,

they’ll think

“That lady is nuts.”

*I need a laser chain saw

that is user friendly.

All I would have to do is point it at what

I want trimmed

and yell “Trim!”

I would never, ever have to

go to the back door,

falling into the house dramatically,

where my husband is watching television,

acting like I have just trekked the Sahara desert,

asking

“Can you come out here for just one minute?”

And finally…

*I need a dance floor in the back yard.


I am tired of stepping into holes.

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